Saturday, July 18, 2009

What Fresh Hell?

This is email from my brother: nO kidding, he lives in Arkansas

From College Station, Texas:

The Pachuca family says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle. The image, that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping, appeared Sunday July 12. That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago. "I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," says Salvador Pachuca.Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror. Cristal Pachuca says she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle."We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca.Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it. A few moments later the image appeared. Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers have stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.The Pachuca's say the image is more than a coincidence especially since it happened on the 12. The family says in Mexico, December 12 is celebrated as the day of The Virgin Guadalupe. Onlookers say the image is a miracle because the distinct colors and outline of the image on the truck match the image of Virgin Guadalupe.The Pachuca's say they will continue to welcome anyone who wants to see the image, because the image isn't going to go away anytime soon."I think we're going to just put it on a shelf outside, probably take off the mirror and keep it there cause its something special to us. I'm not going to wash it off," says Cristal Pachuca.

OK, now let's go over this. "... the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible ..." as He is described in the Nicene Creed, has decided:
a) to perform a miracle
b) on the side mirror of a
c) Mexican's
d) pickup truck,
e) using guano,
f) in the town which is home to the Aggies, who are
g) the butt of nearly every joke told in Texas and Oklahoma.

I find this troubling.
You mean to tell me that Jehovah can't do any better than this? This ain't no kind of miracle. Guano ain't no miracle. Turning the Sears Tower into a thousand-foot-tall statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, now THAT would be a miracle. The only thing miraculous here is that the bird missed the windshield which would be a lot harder than a side mirror to remove and put "on a shelf outside" as Miss Pachucaen visions.And do these people really not understand the difference between July and December? Months are not interchangeable, you know.So people in America, or at least Texas, think that I Am That I Am plays cheap tricks that are fit to show on Spike TV and to sell in Spencer's Gifts. (Twenty years ago I got my girlfriend a spray-can of bullshit repellent there, so she could spritz her office whenever a student came in with some lame, whiny excuse. I love that place. Where else can you get patchouli oil today?)Seems to me we have lessened our expectations of Martin Luther's Mighty Fortress.

On another note, I used to share a duplex with an Aggie, and I can tell you definitively that it is not possible to tell an Aggie joke that is untrue.They really are that dumb.


  1. I am the the Lord thy God and I shall cause all manner of shat to be shot and covered by ABC news.

  2. Well, your brother would have to agree that it IS feminine...but more along the lines of a vagina. Seriously. So, maybe it's actually a Texas Yellow-throated Warbler's tribute to Georgia O'keeffe.

    In any case, one has to admit that at the very least, it is a loverly splatter of shit, worthy of at least framing.

    I'm going to go out and check my car right now.

  3. I suspect it’s a fake. How can a bird-dropping look so uncannily identical to a specific painting? I’m not buying it.

  4. The Lord Thy God can be found in all things and in all places. The Virgin Vagina. Isn't that some sort of Muslim fetish? I like the idea of heaven with 69 Bangkok whores myself. Or was that hell? I get them confused.

  5. Your analysis made me laugh out loud. LOVED it. Because in fact, it is true. Image in shat? Really?

  6. the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible ..." as He is described in the Nicene Creed

    Who said the Nicene creed was everything?

  7. James...I could not agree more. But my guess is guy that wrote the Nicene Creed would be a good bet. I just need a reference to La Virgin being bird shit on a pickup truck mirror. Maybe that is what Juan Diego saw on his tilma that day. I just don't see quite that way.

  8. Isn't Oklahoma the only state Arkansas can make fun of?

  9. Comrade---I believe one of those two states is the only state in which, if a man and woman get a divorce, they are no longer brother and sister. Unsure of which.

  10. is Arkansas, the law was passed when Mike Huckabee was govener.


Gems of thought


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