Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Sometimes we just need a little talke with Jesus.



This is making the teared eyed rounds.  People, done be holding this up as an example for Life.  No kidding.
Here is what some old dead broad recommends all the young women do today. My cynical sad comments are in Pink, otherwise italics or both, I hope.
To Wit: 

If you're about to throw away an old pair of pantyhose, stop. Consider: Mary Agnes Mullaney (you probably knew her as "Pink") who entered eternal life on Sunday, September 1, 2013. Her spirit is carried on by her six children, 17 grandchildren, three surviving siblings in New "Joisey", and an extended family of relations and friends from every walk of life. New Hosey?
We were blessed to learn many valuable lessons from Pink during her 85 years, among them: Never throw away old pantyhose. Use the old ones to tie gutters, child-proof cabinets, tie toilet flappers, or hang Christmas ornaments.  Yeah Right.  Let’s all hang grannies used panty hose on the Christmas tree. No what about Monique’s.  Yeah, the ones she used in the club last night. Yeah, that’s the ticket…   Think about it.
Also: If a possum takes up residence in your shed, grab a barbecue brush to coax him out. If he doesn't leave, brush him for twenty minutes and let him stay.  The Stew will be great.  Feed him nothing but grain, wait 'bout two weeks. Skin that bad boy and toss him in the pot and cook the gaminess out of him.  Add potatos, carrots, and veggies of your choice. Yum, Yum.   Let a dog (or two or three) share your bed.  I would not touch that line.  Say the rosary while you walk them.  Hell Those bitches don't need no rosary, shoot fire,  they are doing just fine standing right there on that corner.  Go to church with a chicken sandwich in your purse. Cry at the consecration, every time. Give the chicken sandwich to your homeless friend after mass.  Salmonella for the masses, after masses.
Go to a nursing home and kiss everyone.  Abuse of a person over 65? When you learn someone's name, share their patron saint's story, and their feast day, so they can celebrate. Patron Saint?  Oh Please, let me die in piece.  Invite new friends to Thanksgiving dinner. If they are from another country and you have trouble understanding them, learn to "listen with an accent." “Listen with an accent? Damn I don’t believe this broad. Never say mean things about anybody; they are "poor souls to pray for."  OOppss Looks like I missed that train.
Put picky-eating children in the box at the bottom of the laundry chute, tell them they are hungry lions in a cage, and feed them veggies through the slats.  True Colors shining through. Correspond with the imprisoned and have lunch with the cognitively challenged. If I lived in your world I would have to do that every time I saw you. Do the Jumble every morning.  That had better have something to do with hard pounding sex.
Keep the car keys under the front seat so they don't get lost. No they won’t get lost, but you will lose your car. Make the car dance by lightly tapping the brakes to the beat of songs on the radio. “Who the hell is the fucking moron?  Somebody teach that stupid girl how to drive in traffic.  This ain’t a goddamned disco.  Drunken Broad.  Offer rides to people carrying a big load or caught in the rain or summer heat.  Fair enough, but check the load he is carrying and where does he want to unload it. Believe the hitchhiker you pick up who says he is a landscaper and his name is "Peat Moss."  I got your Peat Moss right here lady.   Help anyone struggling to get their kids into a car or shopping cart or across a parking lot.   Ok all right.  She got this one right!
Give to every charity that asks. Wrong!  Choose to believe the best about what they do with your money, no matter what your children say they discovered online. Hell, Those fucking brats don’t know shit. Allow the homeless to keep warm in your car while you are at Mass. “Can you believe it, this broad up at the church let me have this car.  It is worth two hits man, come on, go for a spin get warm and get it back to the church.  Take Monique with you... come on two hits.  Take magazines you've already read to your doctors' office for others to enjoy. Do not tear off the mailing label, "Because if someone wants to contact me, that would be nice."  Yo nice lady, I like what you read about, might just come help myself to a little piece of it.
In her lifetime, Pink made contact time after time. Those who've taken her lessons to heart will continue to ensure that a cold drink will be left for the overheated garbage collector and mail carrier, every baby will be kissed, every nursing home resident will be visited, the hungry will have a sandwich, the guest will have a warm bed and soft nightlight, and the encroaching possum will know the soothing sensation of a barbecue brush upon its back.   That Encroaching possum knows to keep his dead beat ass away from my momma’s kitchen. 


11 comments:

  1. JESUS!

    I suppose her heart was in the right place...or not. Can you imagine what her house smelled like?

    Keep a few dogs in bed? WTF?

    Do you suppose she washed the pantie hose first? Fuck me, I'm gettin' nauseated!

    I wish I hadn't read this post. Don't ever do this, this early in the morning, again, pal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a man of discerning tastes.

      Delete
  2. RIP Pink. Obviously not the singer I was thinking of. Punch, I hope you will write us an etiquette for the 21st Century.

    Your first assignment: What do I do about the skunk under my shed? I found him doing the Jumble in my momma's orthopedic bustier.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At the risk of being indiscrete, ahem,
      I would suggest your take that Bustier, you have tucked under,
      down at ‘bout the third drawer.
      And.
      Put it on for the night and read.
      One of those cheat ass NYT best sellers that
      You know are trash, but you keep turning the page and.
      Go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.
      Within 3 hours of wakening, Toss the B down by the river where the tall grasses grow.
      Turn around 3 times, to the right. Don’t, Do Not, spit. (They can track your DNA)

      Let him jumble in the jungle with your bundle.

      Of course I could be wrong.
      It just an ol’ wife’s tale.

      Ranger Punch

      Delete
    2. Although it wasn't asked for...my opinion is...forget about the shed and look under the bed.

      Delete
  3. JESUS II! Are you sure you're OK? Who the hell is this Pink lady anyway and came you to know her?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FaceBook, another reason not to look.
      That is a real Obit for some real person’s grandmother.
      How do you keep a straight face at the wake? (NO Booze)

      Delete
  4. OK, that was a whole smorgasboard of ... something. But what stuck with me was this: used pantyhose? You mean, people still wear pantyhose???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (enter laughing) I'll damn sure not wear them any longer!

      Delete
  5. You certainly will NOT be wearing any of PINK's panty hose anymore, nor hanging rour ornament int them either,

    ReplyDelete
  6. It is a great pleasure going through your site because I love your every post. That's why I have bookmarked your site to check out new stuff from you. Thanks for sharing ...

    ReplyDelete

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email punchnojudy@gmail.com, love being alive, the alterntiative has lousy hours, liberal and don't care if you give me cracked corn.